What Your Friend With Cancer Really Needs
By Keira Cherry
There are some things that life simply cannot prepare you for. Watching someone you care for go through unimaginable pain is a dreadful nightmare that has no starter guide.
Close your eyes and envision that person in your life who was diagnosed with cancer. Think about what you felt in the moment, where you felt it, and what you did next. Naturally, you want to find a way to help this person in your life because your contributions are the only thing that you are able to control in this situation. A person’s health is an unpredictable thing; one moment, things can be stable, and the next, everything has gone south.
Through anonymous forums, many who struggled with being in the position of caring for someone with cancer expressed the takeaways from their experience.
“I tried pushing. It never worked. Other than to create a barrier between us.”
Unless you’ve been in the position, knowing how painful it is to watch a loved one’s health deteriorate is impossible. Once can imagine, but nothing prepares you for that heartache. But nothing is more painful than realizing after they’re gone that you acted more as their nurse than a support system. Being there for the patient is so critical; if you’re a wreck inside, imagine how they feel. Be there for them, because they’re scared.
“One day, I realized I had to care for him the way he wanted to be cared for. Not the way I wanted to care for him.”
Listen to that person in your life. Everyone has different needs and different experiences, but you can’t know what they need until you ask them. It’s perfectly fine to offer them suggestions; in fact, reading about what works for other patients can be incredibly beneficial. For example, therapy has been known to be very helpful for some cancer patients to work on healing their mind rather than their body, which is failing them. Suggest it, but don’t demand. It is important to ask if they want suggestions and are open to you doing research before you begin suggesting things. Even just learning what doesn’t work is progress.
“In the end, it's their disease, and all you really have control over is yourself. Support their decision as best you can, and if they start making decisions you can't support, it's okay to take a step back.”
You're not always going to agree with the decisions made by the affected person. Pulling back is okay, but be careful not to pull too far. Although you are not the one diagnosed with the disease, you too are affected by the disease; being someone's support is no cake walk. There’s going to be bad days, but there will also be good. You are valid for any feelings throughout the process. It’s very important to care for yourself because if you can’t care for yourself, there’s no way you can support others.